Where did this go?

Hey wait, Is this another one of those why did I stop posting posts? Yes. No. Maybe. Basically yes.

I started the new year with lofty goals, insane overreaching goals. A challenge to myself, I was going to post a blog entry every day and one new drawing or sketch everyday.

The idea seemed to be in my favor, I tested myself with ‘drawcember’ where I posted an original sketch everyday (almost) for all of December. I didn’t want the momentum to stop, and I could feel my artistic growth in each sketch, and at the same time, I wanted to push myself with my writing.

I managed to post a couple weeks of blog entries and made it almost through January with daily sketches.. but at a certain point I knew i wasn’t going to be able to keep it up, and I stopped.

I had a plan to catch back up, releasing two a day for a couple weeks, I even have a few posts written and ready to go, one that’s essential a rant at a number of people who still can’t get over the age gap between myself and my best friend (I don’t think it’ll ever go up anywhere) and something about religion, which might go up on Easter, but, all things considered, i’m not making any promises.

So, why did it stop? Why did I stop?

Because I haven’t had much self-worth lately. Not having a real job for months, mixed with a series of rejections in my private and career life are having a negative effect on my self esteem and my ability to.. I don’t know, want to do things. And I’m still at a hyper-senstaive period in my life where I don’t know If things are just normal and i’m just emotionally sensitive to everything because of the last 18 months… Maybe a combination of both? I feel like I’m trapped in a life I don’t want any part of, just because that’s the way things ended up..

So, what does that mean for writing? It’s hard to come up with clever or funny writing, when you don’t really feel like those things.. and, yeah, it’s true that I can use that… whatever you call it.. angst..sadness.. bitterness? and work that into my art in someway or another. Yes that’s true, up to a certain point. But sometimes, I have to go to that dark sad place to pull out the kind of writing that People really respond to, the kind that feels real and genuine and.. It’s difficult to be in that place. The Religion post was very difficult to get into, because it goes places that I’m not very ok with yet.. Or will ever be?

It’s not all negative, I have help in the right places and enough of a support system to hope that things will be looking up sometime soon. Partial self-esteem issues came from spending the last couple years not feeling happy with my personal appearance but I recently found out that I’ve dropped a respectable 25 pounds from my career high of one year ago and the majority seems to have come from giving up coffee for lent, so that’s a start towards something.


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