March 11, 2013

It’s been a while.

Things have changed, since the last time we spoke, many things. Almost everything, from interactions to relationships to emotions to everything.

Everything has changed.

This is hardly different, everything is always changing, It’s what happens. It’s how this works, things staying the same never works, no matter how tightly we grip or fight or wish or try, things always change.

It’s how we react to to the change that really matters, and I, I am not one who is known for handling change particularly well. This is one of those times. But, it’s something, and like all things, if you’re following the change correctly, you’re learning from things and moving forward and so many many things you’ve heard so many many times before.

Is there much new to come from the change or is it all the same, just slightly different. None of this actually matters if we, I, us, whoever, doesn’t allow, accommodate or whatever you say, for the change.

Is it really that different, or is it more of the same? Maybe that’s a clue that the change wasn’t enough of a change, maybe more change needed to change. Maybe I’ll stop using the word change. Maybe I’ll stop starting sentences with the word maybe.

Maybe.

Here’s what I do know, the overwhelming wave of overwhelmingness that comes in and overwhelms, is, frankly, overwhelming. And it drags down, pulling with it all good ideas and thoughts and sense of humor and relationships and friends and… it seems difficult to overcome, but it really isn’t, but it is, but it really isn’t.

But it’s still there, relentlessly beating itself down, not giving a moment to be out of the moment, until you realize that this isn’t something that’s happening, it’s something that happened, and this is the new reality and this is the world you’re in now, and unless something is done to fire away the rockets to the new world, this is the way the world is, this is the world of how things are and…

This world is deep and expansive, but everything only leads down, there isn’t much sense exploring, everything leads down to and endless loop of sorrow and morosity, but the only way out is to go up, and away to where the boats are waiting, waiting to take things to better places, but the exploration of down is so inviting and comfortable in all it’s bleak and dreariness and grabbing a hold of it and pushing away is the only safe thing to do, despite the fact that it seems safer to stay in the endless wandering corridors of the unchanging, until finally..

Finally you find yourself, almost by accident, up away from the endless loops, and you find yourself on that boat, going to somewhere and I ask myself, what perspective is this written from, because you’ve changed from 1st to 3rd to second to what can now only be some kind of unknown meta dialogue with yourself about… well whatever this is about.

And like so many things before it, there’s a silliness buried in all the sadness, because everything seems, bizarre, because you realize you’ve made a reference to another planet and rockets, but also the only way out is boats, and that doesn’t really make sense because well, frankly not much of this makes sense and that’s how it’s supposed to be because it’s a crazy rambling stream of consciousness and that’s how these things tend to be sometimes and it leads you to wonder if you really wanted to do this at all or if you just really wanted to do something else and you can’t because you really had to do this and now here we are.

Because you’re not writing enough, because I’m not writing enough, and sometimes that’s really all we need, a place to put things in place and perspective and making things make more sense, because nothing really does make that much sense, it’s really a bunch of things that happen, and then you, or I, just need to be a part of those things happening, because they’re just going to keep happening, because, that’s how it works, things happen, get on, or don’t.

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