Poems and things.

So, yesterday, I posted the most recent draft of a poem I’ve been working on. So today, here’s my work in progress versions:

The Original:

Hi.

Of course, I’ll never say it.

To you.

Well,

I might, but nothing more

Or perhaps I won’t

Perhaps I’d tell you

How I love the way your hair,

long,

cascades around your face.

or perhaps I won’t

Perhaps I’ll mention

how interesting it is that, so far,

most of my observations

are about girls in

coffee shop.

And what that says about me.

And how I may have a caffeine addiction

But, perhaps, I won’t.

Next time.

If there is one.

But

Most likely not.

Is it fear.

Or something more?

I stick with fear.

But, perhaps I shouldn’t

 

 

Now, for the first revision I decided to go with

Take a moment from the narrative and spin it off:

 

Perhaps I’ll tell you

about your hair.

And

How it was the first thing I noticed.

how it fell

cascading.

cascading elegantly.

elegantly,

along your face

along your shoulders

along your spine

almost

to the small of your back.

where it curls,

slightly.

amazingly.

lovely.

Perhaps I shouldn’t.

Maybe I’ve spent too much time

focusing, just on your hair.

 

 

I thought about writing this in a different way, more in a block format. But the elegance set up, with the included smaller, shorter words, gives an feel of flow, like a waterfall, similar to how my eyes are tracking the hair.  That’s the intent anyway.

I have a continuation of sorts of this version, I don’t know if it counts as a second, because I still plan to do another revision, but more rather, like, a deleted scene, or some such:

 

I feel I’ve spent too long on your hair.

Perhaps it’s really your eyes that I find so striking

so blue. striking. piercing. blue.

and how uncomfortable i feel now.

or I feel, you feel now.

Because, all this time, i’ve spent, watching,

looking.

And, I know that, i’d never

In a million years, say anything, to you.

Because, what would I say, nothing of interest.

Not to you anyway.

And, maybe not even, to me.

 

Second Revision:

 

This one is written more like how an actual conversation with me might go. This time I went with shortening lines, taking out elements:

Hi.

I’d never,

say it.

I might.

I won’t.

I’d tell you,

“I love your hair.”

I won’t.

I’d mention,

something interesting about me.

caffeine addiction.

Next time?

Not likely.

Is it fear?

Or More?

Shouldn’t fear.

I won’t.

 

Revision of the revision:

 

Hi.

I’d never say it. (I might)

I’d tell you, “I love your hair.” (I won’t)

I’d mention something interesting about me. (caffeine addiction)

Next time. (not likely)

Is it fear? (or more?)

I shouldn’t fear. (I won’t)

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